done

So the summer of studying continues - and with little success. I have been working hard. I study at least 10 hours a day - usually more like 15. And, yet, my scores are not improving. if anything, they have gotten worse. Further, I can't take the test unless i am going to pass it. right now, if i were to take it, i would fail. and fail badly. I am signed up to take the test on the 26th. If I don't take it, I can't start 3rd year. But, if I take it and fail, I have to take it during 3rd year - which would be difficult given the 80 hour work weeks, and I would significantly decrease my chance of getting a decent residency. essentially, the whole thing sucks. i am beyond frustrated, demoralized, and just worn out. it is hard to keep going when i don't have any positive events to hold onto.

i am taking a practice test tomorrow. if it goes well, then i keep studying. if I don't improve then it will be hard decision time. go for it, keep trying and hope for a miracle by the 26th, or decide to take the year off and delay the exam for a month or two until i am ready. neither is a particularly great decision.

i am really ready to be good at something again. it is hard to so work so hard and so consistently fail. yes, i could have worked harder all along. but, it just seems like all the work i have done has been for nothing.

i just need a win. i really hope and pray i see one tomorrow.